Mental health

Ugly Truth 019: I Feel Like I Have No One

“If you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it’s not because they enjoy solitude. It’s because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.”

Dear Readers,

Despite all the advocating I do for others, I often feel isolated by my own chaos. Loved ones offer words of comfort and well-meaning friends, but the only one who can ever know your truth is you. Insofar, despair remains an endlessly solitary experience.

I want for just one reliable family member to take care of me when I feel like I’m bottoming out. Crisis intervention and medication are not going to stop me from being overwhelmed from a functional stand point from the chronic pain and psychological symptoms of my daily struggle. Stress is the worst possible thing for my health. I just keep pushing and pushing, and it makes me dangerously impulsive as I begin to flail desperately, dying to escape. Even when I try to proactively create change for myself, I feel like I am failing.

The truth is, I want to be taken care of for once in my life. I want someone to kiss me and promise me everything will be okay. I want to believe them.

**If you’re a mental health survivor or mental health provider and want to tell your story – please email me at contact@deskraven.com!**

For more excellent insight and entertainment through a collaborative approach to all things mental health, including a guest post from yours truly, visit the Blunt Therapy Blog by Randy Withers, LPC! For additional perspectives on suicide prevention from master level mental health providers visit, 20 Professional Therapists Share Their Thoughts on Suicide!

In collaboration with Luis Posso, an Outreach Specialist from DrugRehab.com, Deskraven is now offering guides on depression and suicide prevention to its readers. For more information on understanding the perils of addiction visit, Substance Abuse and Suicide: A Guide to Understanding the Connection and Reducing Risk! In addition, for a comprehensive depression resource guide from their sister project at Columbus Recovery Center visit, Dealing with Depression!

Mental health

Ugly Truth 018: The Wisdom in Letting Go

“Letting go doesn’t mean that you don’t care about someone anymore. It’s just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.” Deborah Reber
Dear Readers,
Perhaps the most important thing we can learn from maturity is that grief alone is not reason enough to take action. Often times we feel overwhelmed by loss, stricken by sadness, or consumed by longing for a past lover, friendship, idea, or goal. However, just because we feel something doesn’t mean we should do something. Perhaps one of the greatest hallmarks of maturity is understanding the difference between feelings and actions. Perhaps acceptance indicates growth, especially when things do not go in your favor. In a previous post I wrote about one of the greatest love affairs of my life that just so happened to be with a woman. I haven’t seen or truly spoken to her in years, and yet every so often I find myself dreaming of her. When this happens I experience a stressful influx of grief. It is not unusual for me to spend the following day or two in a puddle of nostalgia and bittersweet tears, ruminating and revisiting old correspondence. It is not uncommon for me to reach out to her and to try desperately to mend the silence once more, begging to rebuild for the umpteenth time. The truth is as much as I miss her, I admire her for staying away. Like a moth to a flame I just never wanted to give up on her. Perhaps because our relationship was deeply fruitful and unique. Perhaps because we shared countless interests, hours of laughter, movies and entirely too much chocolate. Perhaps because her friendship circle became my own and so my loss was greater. Perhaps because she challenged and loved me simultaneously. Perhaps because I finally found the accountability she had been screaming at me to take for all those years, and I wanted to show her. Perhaps because she always made me laugh. Despite our ability to turn a perfectly good ladies night into a verbal anger match, no one could ever understand me quite like she did. Perhaps no one ever will – and I’m learning that that’s okay. Acceptance does not necessarily mean failure. Sometimes it just means acknowledging your emotions and being strong enough to feel them without acting on them. Accepting her absence in my life has not been dissimilar to grieving the death of a loved one, but I’ve learned to fill the hole with unconditional love. Maybe one day she will change her mind and reach out. Maybe enough is enough. I can admit that I sometimes self medicate in an attempt to toss and turn a little less when grief creeps up my spine, but the truth is as soon as the risk begins to outweigh the benefit, it’s time to let go. The art of letting go has been a reoccurring theme in my decade old stack of therapy notes. This focal point was a reflection of my incessant need for control. This need manifested as control because control mimics safety. As a child of abuse and trauma, safety became a suitable priority in all areas of my life, so I became preoccupied with avoiding harm and abandonment through dangerous control attempts. My opportunities for control were found in abusive relationship dynamics, eating disorders, obsessive compulsive behaviors, even senseless manipulation and chaos creation. By no fault of my own, I found dysfunction to be the natural state of things rather than the unnecessary uproar that it is. Somehow, the maladaptive behaviors I had learned as a child became problematic as an adult, and yet they comforted me because they were familiar. This is self-sabotaging behavior and more importantly, the concept of true control is a fallacy. The truth is children do better when they know better. I had to learn to accept healthy loving dynamics and reject mistreatment. I had to learn to fall in love with myself independent of relationship reflections. I had to learn to find joy in the mundane and avoid the impulses of boredom and excessive discomfort. I had to learn to stay present long enough to acknowledge, accept and process pain without fighting or fleeing. Those lost live on in my memories and my ability to continue loving them in the retelling. I am no longer bound by the guilt of the agitation I experienced as a result of my lost sense of control. I now understand the value of staying in the presence of pain, thinking before I speak, and disregarding actions attached to thoughts or feelings. While not entirely free from self-loathing (also a control dynamic), I no longer harm myself and instead aim to empathize. Whether you are freeing yourself from pain or people, it is only when you can let go that you can truly possess. **If you’re a mental health survivor or mental health provider and want to tell your story – please email me at contact@deskraven.com!** For more excellent insight and entertainment through a collaborative approach to all things mental health, including a guest post from yours truly, visit the Blunt Therapy Blog by Randy Withers, LPC! For additional perspectives on suicide prevention from master level mental health providers visit, 20 Professional Therapists Share Their Thoughts on Suicide! In collaboration with Luis Posso, an Outreach Specialist from DrugRehab.com, Deskraven is now offering guides on depression and suicide prevention to its readers. For more information on understanding the perils of addiction visit, Substance Abuse and Suicide: A Guide to Understanding the Connection and Reducing Risk! In addition, for a comprehensive depression resource guide from their sister project at Columbus Recovery Center visit, Dealing with Depression!
Lifestyle, Mental health

Ugly Truth 017: Chiropractors are Practitioners of Pain Relief

Dear Readers, Welcome back to Deskraven where we dispell the myths of human suffering by highlighting the truth. Today we’re talking about chronic pain. As if living with mental illness isn’t enough, many of us also live with medical conditions and/or intense episodes of pain flares for various reasons. This sounds overwheing because it is. I have herniated discs (spinal injury) from a car accident in 2015 that causes severe radiating pain flares in my lower back, shooting pain through my left hip and leg, numbness, tingling, weakness, migraines, neurological symptoms and general alignment issues. Up until recently this was manageable with warm baths, copious amounts of ibuprofen, diet (anti-inflammatory foods), and yoga. Over time the pain worsened and I became unable to do these things. I found myself flailing through sleepless nights and crying with frustration when unable to walk or dress myself. Waking up in the morning instantly overwhelmed me when I was faced with work and transportation obligation. I stopped doing my hair and make up because I didn’t have the energy. I stopped living and was merely trying to survive by spending all of my nights and weekends in bed. Add to that severe panic attacks, the type that violently rattle your cage, and things are bound to knock loose. Yesterday this all came to a head and while I was hunched over in walkless tears once more, I decided to do something about it. The truth is I have been to the doctor several times since my car accident complaining of strange and worsening symptoms, but with no insurance and nothing emergent without an MRI, I was sent home with more questions and continuing chronic pain flares. I knew I didn’t want narcotic medication and I didn’t want to be sent home, I wanted an affordable long-term solution. If you know me then you know I am terribly stubborn and let things go on much longer than they need to. After calling around and doing some price comparisons, I arrived at Joint Chiropractic riddled with anxiety and pain. The receptionist could see this and urged me not to sit since I was having obvious difficulty returning to a standing position. She took my blood pressure and informed me of all the going-ons in the establishment. Minutes later I began my two hour session with Dr. G who was nothing short of validating. After a micro course in chiropractic medicine he poked and prodded me. During his exam he discovered nerve damage, L4 and L5 disc injuries, a slightly abnormal spinal curvature, a crooked tail bone, joint dysfunction and high blood pressure. “You’re a mess,” he said. I laughed half heartedly, relieved to finally have some answers and grateful for his top notch bed side manner. The thing is spinal health is linked to every area of your body and can even influence mental health as a result of neurological symptoms. My injuries are the culprit of debilitating migraines and lonesome physical disability, so I took a deep breath and followed his instruction. He twisted and contorted my body with plenty of snap crackle pops. I laughed. I cried. I shook his hand with genuine gratitude and was given a prescription for a minimum of 10-12 adjustments, ice in lieu of my warm baths which can cause further inflammation, possible x-rays, exercise recommendations, and a prescription strength dose of non-steroidal anti-inflammatory medication twice daily. The truth is I am still in pain, but less so. Sometimes alternative medicine can provide a better quality of life than pain management clinics and traditional physicians. I am so proud of myself for being proactive about my care. This is the best thing I have done for myself in a long while, and I am optimistic about the future. Do you experience chronic pain? Have you considered chiropractic care? How do you cope with maintaining a functional quality of life? **If you’re a mental health survivor or mental health provider and want to tell your story – please email me at contact@deskraven.com!** For more excellent insight and entertainment through a collaborative approach to all things mental health, including a guest post from yours truly, visit the Blunt Therapy Blog by Randy Withers, LPC! For additional perspectives on suicide prevention from master level mental health providers visit, 20 Professional Therapists Share Their Thoughts on Suicide! In collaboration with Luis Posso, an Outreach Specialist from DrugRehab.com, Deskraven is now offering guides on depression and suicide prevention to its readers. For more information on understanding the perils of addiction visit, Substance Abuse and Suicide: A Guide to Understanding the Connection and Reducing Risk! In addition, for a comprehensive depression resource guide from their sister project at Columbus Recovery Center visit, Dealing with Depression!

Mental health, Relationships

Ugly Truth 016: Pride Gets in the Way of Love

“The strongest love is the love that can demonstrate its fragility.”
Paulo Coelho, Eleven MinutesGood Afternoon Readers, Greetings from the Ugly Truth Series! This week we are talking about mental health and relationships. It has taken me two years to be vulnerable with myself again, let alone with strangers, friends, or even lovers. I have had to learn how to leave myself open all over again, because wisdom has informed me that pain and pleasure happen to use the same door. The truth is vulnerability and love are synonymous, requiring an honesty with oneself and others that most people just are not willing to practice. I never had trust issues until my divorce at the age of 27, and it isn’t because of the things you might imagine. It wasn’t that he was unloving or unfaithful or unkind. In fact, he was none of those things. It’s because he broke his promises in a way that cost me my livelihood. I gave him an additional 12 months once the relationship was already in trouble to take action, and yet he took none. His complacency grew contempt in my heart. His willingness to let me feel fear and uncertainty taught me that no one was reliable. The fact that he promised to provide and did just the opposite informed my heart that no one was to be leaned on. He was a good man, but I’m afraid his fickle demonstration of devotion was the last in a long line of many that sent me into my first sensations of trust without worth. Often times people forget how painful the inability to trust is for the person feeling it. The ability to depend on yourself alone has value no doubt, but it certainly creates a wall between you and your loved ones. Often times your demeanor will change and they will begin to feel it. After a lifetime of celebrating my ability to love big, I found myself for the first time too cold and bitter to practice closeness with even those I cherished most, and it cost me greatly.
The truth is I have never been good at asking for help.
It wasn’t until I grieved through relapse and poor behavior that I realized I was still here, and nothing would change unless I changed it. I restored my faith in humanity through flexible boundaries which allowed me to practice grace and rebuild my relationships – and it started at the heart of myself. I had to ask myself why so many people had dropped the ball? Why had I descended into patterns of behavior with less than adequate friends or partners? What had this indirect self harm cost me? What had been displayed for me as a young child? What had I come to know and expect and accept, was it correct? Was my pride getting in the way of my ability to be truly vulnerable and tolerant? Moreover, had I let my hurt turn me into the heartless guarded breed of human being I promised myself I would never become? These are big important questions that require the nitty gritty self work we all try to avoid because it’s painful. As for me, I reached a point where I had become so very isolated that I was severed even from my own emotions and ability to empathize. I knew something had to change, and it started with diminishing my pride. All of my life I had had a self sustained delusion of autonomy, but the truth is I have never been alone. When you combine the emotional walls that trauma can build with the inflated sense of self mental illness can bring, it becomes highly toxic and consequential. It was only after I began to truly hold myself accountable that I began to realize that it was not consistently exterior circumstances that were leaving me troubled and abandoned, but the waters of my own heart. I soon realized that I was intentionally holding myself back from healthy, thriving, successful relationships through my unwillingness to admit to and move from my grief. Rather than offering genuine warmth, I became irritable, rigid and overly critical. Rather than taking ownership, I began making excuses for my misbehavior and folding into layers of selfishness. As someone who had always considered herself an insightful and articulate person, I suddenly found myself tangled in a lack of expressive language. My inability to communicate left me with nothing but anger, resentment, and an unwillingness to trust anyone – even those who I had previously maintained a loyal and loving connection with. Those unwilling to put up with my uncharacteristic and self destructive behavior vanished, and soon the stranger I had become devastated my own hippie heart. The truth is I am more fragile now than I have ever been – and I don’t mind. I cry often and exercise remorse. I am learning to process and regulate my emotions differently by accepting them toe-to-toe rather than fighting, fleeing or numbing them. I used to say people should talk at their mountains, not about them. The truth is I had stopped doing both. Reciprocal love is rich and swirling and warming in all its forms – and it begins with humility and a willingness to change. Relationships fail because of broken promises and rigidity. Do not let pride steal you from the genuine communications required to bolster the love of your friends, families, partners and yourself. Life is too short to spend it grieving. Take ownership. Be not afraid. Be vulnerable. Choose love.
**If you’re a mental health survivor or mental health provider and want to tell your story – please email me at contact@deskraven.com!**
For more excellent insight and entertainment through a collaborative approach to all things mental health, including a guest post from yours truly, visit the Blunt Therapy Blog by Randy Withers, LPC! For additional perspectives on suicide prevention from master level mental health providers visit, 20 Professional Therapists Share Their Thoughts on Suicide!
In collaboration with Luis Posso, an Outreach Specialist from DrugRehab.com, Deskraven is now offering guides on depression and suicide prevention to its readers. For more information on understanding the perils of addiction visit, Substance Abuse and Suicide: A Guide to Understanding the Connection and Reducing Risk! In addition, for a comprehensive depression resource guide from their sister project at Columbus Recovery Center visit, Dealing with Depression!
Mental health

Ugly Truth 015: Suicide Rates Soar in the Spring

Trigger Warning: This post makes mention of suicide. Good Morning Readers, Welcome back to Deskraven’s 100 Ugly Truth Series! If you know me personally, you know that suicide awareness is close to my heart and something I advocate for regularly. It is among the leading causes of death, and yet we refrain from talking about it openly. Perhaps most troubling, this phenomenon is almost impossible for those who have never juggled the suicidal impulse to understand. This is because suicidal ideation is not always a decision, but often an irrational mood state similar to that of depression, anxiety, or euphoria. This is often exacerbated by the endurance test that is mental illness isolation. When viewed in this light, the suicidal impulse becomes slightly easier to understand. I say “slightly” because there is just no preparation for the untimely self murder of a loved one. My story as a suicide loss survivor begins 3,652 days ago, or roughly 10 years. Inside 48 hours I learned of the suicide of my maternal grandfather and a close family friend on my father’s side. In a very small time frame, my family was shattered and continues to refracture with each passing year as a direct result of suicide. If you’ve been touched by suicide or have survived an attempt yourself, please know that I am glad you’re here, and you’re not alone. The truth is, this is something I may always grapple with due to the endless collateral damage left in the wake of suicide. You can read my story in greater detail by visiting A Suicide Survivor Story – Part I. I have coped with this traumatic loss by diving into the scientific data of suicidality and seasonal patterns of affective disorders. Aside from a morbid preoccupation, I am genuinely fascinated by the academics of someone being driven to the brink. In my research I have found many factors including socioeconomic status, gender, resource access, mental health, genetics, exposure to trauma, and substance abuse to play a significant role. Additionally, this avenue has provided a path for language and conversation in a space where only acknowledgement, acceptance, and time can heal. For more information on these trends and to see inside the suicidal mind, I recommend reading anything by Kay Redfield Jamison, M.A., Ph.D. I have dedicated myself to understanding suicide because I find liberation in psychology. Likewise, it serves as an adequate deflection that has allowed me to process my losses slowly without avoiding it completely. While poring over my books I noticed a trend in the data that was supported by additional publications. I noticed an increase in suicide rates in the spring and summer months. This overlap fascinated me when I noticed that my own losses took place in April. This was supported by examining my own neuroses during these months where I did in fact notice an increase in my own self destructive and depressive episodes. Some psychiatrists attribute this to the increase in the length of daylight, the link between pollen and brain inflammation, and a general increase in energy and task execution. Read more at The Inquirer, Suicide rates rise in the spring. Here’s what you need to know, by Aneri Pattani, Updated: March 29, 2019 This seasonal influx remains a mystery swaddled in the misconception that the darker winter months produce increased suicidality. However, it isn’t until the sun shines and the flowers bloom that we find the ability to act on our grief. Furthermore, this is a subtle yet steady increase rather than a sudden spike. The truth is, we don’t have a full answer as to the why just yet. Suicide is a world-wide, year-round crisis that should be addressed more frequently. However, with a noted increase in the spring and summer months I encourage you to check in on your friends and loved ones this season. Ask them how they are doing – really. Listen when they speak. Offer support and solutions. Offer love and kindness free from judgment. Offer a wedge between clinical sadness and isolation. While the reasons are many, loss is universal and no one should walk alone. Please comment below if you or a loved one is in need of support. Share your story. Suicide Prevention Resource Center Become a Suicide Prevention Advocate Free Online Counseling and Peer-to-Peer Support **If you’re a mental health survivor or mental health provider and want to tell your story – please email me at contact@deskraven.com!** For more excellent insight and entertainment through a collaborative approach to all things mental health, including a guest post from yours truly, visit the Blunt Therapy Blog by Randy Withers, LPC! For additional perspectives on suicide prevention from master level mental health providers visit, 20 Professional Therapists Share Their Thoughts on Suicide! In collaboration with Luis Posso, an Outreach Specialist from DrugRehab.com, Deskraven is now offering guides on depression and suicide prevention to its readers. For more information on understanding the perils of addiction visit, Substance Abuse and Suicide: A Guide to Understanding the Connection and Reducing Risk! In addition, for a comprehensive depression resource guide from their sister project at Columbus Recovery Center visit, Dealing with Depression!