Blogging, Mental health

Ugly Truth 029: I Am Scared of What I Write

“The thing you are most
afraid to write

Write that.”

― Nayyirah Waheed, Salt

Dear Readers,

Welcome! As we return to the Ugly Truth Series for the third time this week, I want to look at the writing process once more. In the past I have written openly about my reluctance to write my truth, or the way I have had to climb my own walls to be a more transparent writer. The truth is, I write for myself as well as others. I write for others because I have a heart for service and would have given anything to have felt less alone growing up. I write for myself because the release is therapeutic, and with a slipping memory – I enjoy writing love letters to myself.

Over the course of my last two publications, I realized clicking that “Publish” button came with the riddle of trembling anxiety. Since writing has remained one of my best sources of self confidence (and I live with the curse of relentless introspection), I had to examine the why.

Sometimes I challenge myself to be more creative, to have better grammar, or to achieve a certain word count. I aim to be more readable, more relative, or more revealing. Regardless of the layout, however, the most important reoccurring theme on this blog has always been to get to the heart of the truth – no matter what it may be.

In general, I am a proud truth telling writer. I do this because I am passionate about breaking through barriers and combating mental health stigma with proper information. I do this because I have lost loved ones to suicide as a direct result of the inability to find sufficient help. I do this because I have everything to gain by using this platform to revisit my psychology, even if it is completely self indulgent at times. I do this because this space is mine, and mine alone. I don’t have to worry about the pitter patter of my son’s feet, my partner’s gentle inquisition, or my cat’s meow. I don’t have to worry about my phone ringing or who on earth needs what and when. In some ways my love of reading taught me how to hide. Perhaps writing does the opposite.

There are plenty of exercises to endeavor while writing that are designed to teach you about yourself, your strengths, and your literary voice. The first thing my creative writing teacher taught me in high school was how to hush that relentless inner critic. You know, that nagging voice that tells you to crumple up your work and aim for the nearest trash can? While I have been guilty of rewriting the same piece countless times only to never use it, I realized last night that this was not what was causing my unease. It simply was that I do very much care what my reader’s think.

Perhaps my writer’s anxiety stems from the seat of authenticity. Getting it down on the page has never been a problem for me, only getting it down fast enough. In the name of all that is mental health, I want to get this right. I want to become a name brand resource for all psychological queries . I want to be a reliable place of origin for friends and family members of loved ones with mental illness or dysfunctional relationship dynamics desperate to better understand. I want to tell my story. This is all fine and well, and yet I still experience a great deal of resistance when free associating my unfiltered sincerity. After all, what if my little sister reads this? My father? My employer?

Well… So what.

Perhaps these are big important concepts that warrant a note of caution. Perhaps it is worthwhile to consider the consequences of going public. Perhaps it is not my audience that concerns me, but my own ugly truth staring back at me. Perhaps it is nothing at all. Perhaps I am getting in my own way. Perhaps a fear of failure will lead only to the inevitable said failure that may have been avoided altogether if only the fear had been managed.

What are you afraid of?

**If you’re a mental health survivor or mental health provider and want to tell your story – please email me at contact@deskraven.com!**

For more excellent insight and entertainment through a collaborative approach to all things mental health, including a guest post from yours truly, visit the Blunt Therapy Blog by Randy Withers, LPC! For additional perspectives on suicide prevention from master level mental health providers visit, 20 Professional Therapists Share Their Thoughts on Suicide!

In collaboration with Luis Posso, an Outreach Specialist from DrugRehab.com, Deskraven is now offering guides on depression and suicide prevention to its readers. For more information on understanding the perils of addiction visit, Substance Abuse and Suicide: A Guide to Understanding the Connection and Reducing Risk! In addition, for a comprehensive depression resource guide from their sister project at Columbus Recovery Center visit, Dealing with Depression!

Blogging, Mental health

Ugly Truth 022: I Don’t Like Everything I Write

“The first draft is just telling yourself a story.” -Lisa See

Dear Readers,

Welcome back to the Deskraven Blog, where you mental health finds home!

Depending on how long you’ve been following this blog, you may find that my literary voice fluctuates between formal and personal. Despite all the mountain-top screaming I do for others, I still experience resistance when faced with my own personal truth. Even while writing this I am certain I have said it all before and shouldn’t continue. It sounds silly because it is. After all, this fact is what makes the Deskraven project exactly what it is – a win-win.

Not only do I write for others to spread stigma-free awareness about mental illness, but I write for myself in order to develop a healthy internal dialogue capable of processing interpersonal experience free from self-criticism. This isn’t always easy. Often times I revisit my old works as a form of self-development, of which there are many to smile about, enjoy and take great pride in – while in others I find only gag-worthy disdain.

As a writer, I am well aware that the editing process never ends, however, as a person I continue to struggle with OCD-level perfectionism. I will often question what I did or didn’t say. I will often question my audience, and become overly concerned about who is reading – if indeed anyone is reading at all. I will often question putting myself on public display even though the benefits always outweigh the consequences. Finally, I begin to question the Deskraven Blog in it’s entirety, and grapple with the very real impulse to hit the delete button. That is, right before I remember that writing can take many directions, and the purpose of mine is simply to serve the hearts and minds of others, to help those who lack a voice, to help those who cry alone never unafraid enough to say these things out loud, to reach those who read and never comment, but always find something to gain in the shared human experience of suffering.

The truth is, I don’t like everything I write – and that’s okay. A large part of processing thoughts into expressive language is recognizing not only the what, but the how.

The truth is, writing has been a vehicle for me since the age of 12. I remember this because it was the year my father left that I felt more pain than I knew what to do with, followed by my very first urge to write it down. In the years after, I filled several journals with my ever distorted and evolving thoughts. People took notice, and I began to collect them as gifts and fill them with relative ease. I enjoyed every aspect of the tactile experience that writing has to offer. I often smiled at the process of selecting new tools, paper, and ornate over-priced personal daily records. I often beamed that I could read and write cursive when others could not. As an avid reader and lover of books, I quickly found peace, comfort and escape in the words of the world’s greatest authors – and yearned like hell to be one. While coming of age, I found strength and coping skills in the aptitude I developed through what seemed to be a natural talent. This was reinforced by the easy A’s I earned in Language Arts all through out high school and college. After years of diary entries, exceptional teachers and published poetry, I realized the need in me shifted from proper comma placement to content creation.

(I often dreamed of becoming a professional writer, however, I felt that a career that relied on production was not realistic for someone with major health conditions. That is not to say it can’t be done. Still, I remained ever-concerned that the added pressure would act as an exacerbater rather than a catalyst – and so a hobby word invention remained.)

I am no longer an angsty teenager who confronts the anguish of ailment in hidden pages. Today, I am a woman of age who publishes her struggles on a public forum because it makes her wildly uncomfortable, and yet, she can’t seem to write fast enough. It has become less about word choice and structure, and more about authenticity. This has become especially powerful in many areas of my life as an intensely passive and intellectual introvert.

All artistic disposition aside, there is value to be found in the struggle.

**If you’re a mental health survivor or mental health provider and want to tell your story – please email me at contact@deskraven.com!**

For more excellent insight and entertainment through a collaborative approach to all things mental health, including a guest post from yours truly, visit the Blunt Therapy Blog by Randy Withers, LPC! For additional perspectives on suicide prevention from master level mental health providers visit, 20 Professional Therapists Share Their Thoughts on Suicide!

In collaboration with Luis Posso, an Outreach Specialist from DrugRehab.com, Deskraven is now offering guides on depression and suicide prevention to its readers. For more information on understanding the perils of addiction visit, Substance Abuse and Suicide: A Guide to Understanding the Connection and Reducing Risk! In addition, for a comprehensive depression resource guide from their sister project at Columbus Recovery Center visit, Dealing with Depression!