
“They’ll be better off without me…”,
“I am a burden to everyone…”,
“I can’t cope with the pain…”,
“I am only 29, I can’t go on through a lifetime of this…”,
“I am so tired…”
“I am not strong enough…”
“I am gonna throw up…”
-and so on.
I have done enough self work to catch myself in a suicidal state and be objective, but it doesn’t stop the impulse or the inner truth – and that is the piece I don’t think many people can understand. Suicidal ideation is not always circumstantial or ego-centric. Sometimes, it is not a reflection of an insufficient life. Sometimes, it is a pure and simple brain chemical mishap resulting in a state of mind you just can’t turn away from. Sometimes it is an irrational mood event much like mania or anxiety.
I often pray that I will always be strong enough to step away from the ledge, and endure any amount of suffering if it means my son has his mother. However, I would be lying if I said I never thought about going for one final swim. And that is what makes this an ugly truth, the fact that the love of our children is not an opponent for suicidal depression.
I know I am not the only one. So, this post is dedicated to the countless mothers and under-reported fathers out there who are confined to their beds and uncharacteristic harmful ways. This post is dedicated to those of you who would rather sleep than live because nothing is enough to spare you a most significant darkness. Even true love, our most precious human gem, can not always redirect an irrational mind.
The truth is, you can not see clearly in a suicidal state. All you know is you want the anguish to stop, and you’ll go to great lengths to get it. The truth is sometimes love is not enough. Suicide is inherently self indulgent – yes – as most mental illness related actions (or inactions) are. However, it does not reflect the common misconception of cowardice or selfishness. Similarly, suicide does not reflect the worth of the survivor. Yes, it takes considerable strength and bravery to stay when you want to leave, but suicidal ideation is simply a desperate miscalculation reinforced by misinformation.
Stay tuned for more ugly truths as I aim to inform and minimize mental health stigma. You can read more about my story as a survivor of suicide in A Suicide Survivor Story pt. I & II.
If you or someone you know is struggling, trained counselors are ready to listen and help.
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK
The Crisis Text Hotline: Text CONNECT to 741741
Additional Reading: How To Deal With Suicidal Thoughts—From 7 Women Who’ve Been There, Women’s Health Magazine
**If you’re a mental health survivor or mental health provider and want to tell your story – please email me at contact@deskraven.com!**
For more excellent insight and entertainment through a collaborative approach to all things mental health, including a guest post from yours truly, visit the Blunt Therapy Blog by Randy Withers, LPC! For additional perspectives on suicide prevention from master level mental health providers visit, 20 Professional Therapists Share Their Thoughts on Suicide!
In collaboration with Luis Posso, an Outreach Specialist from DrugRehab.com, Deskraven is now offering guides on depression and suicide prevention to its readers. For more information on understanding the perils of addiction visit, Substance Abuse and Suicide: A Guide to Understanding the Connection and Reducing Risk! In addition, for a comprehensive depression resource guide from their sister project at Columbus Recovery Center visit, Dealing with Depression!
Have you survived a suicidal depression, an attempt, or lost a loved one to suicide? Please share your stories in the comments. You’re safe here. You’re not alone.
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