“Perhaps one did not want to be loved so much as to be understood.” –George Orwell, 1984
Trigger Warning: This post makes mention of suicide.
Dear Readers,
I’ve been told I think too much, and they’re not wrong.
I had a plan laid out for the next Deskraven series. I had hoped to shed light on my personal life in a framework entitled, “Family Matters.” I planned to reveal and explore the challenges and rewards blended families face with children who are not neurotypical. However, this will have to wait for another time as more important matters arose this morning.
In a fit of spiraling suicidal depression, I decided it pertinent to discuss the ugly truths of mental health instead. This topic took precedence over family dynamics due to the danger and depth involved. As well as the personal notes on my own heart, the way suffering is universal, and the stigma attached to this subject. This concept bloomed some despite my tears. Therefore, I have challenged myself to publish 100 ugly truths about mental health over an extended period of time. I have no idea how long it will take, nor do I know if I will splice in other content along the way. All I know for certain is this is a pressing conviction on my writer’s brain, and I encourage you to chime in along the way.
Ugly Truth 001: Suicidal Depression
Having multiple diagnoses can make symptom management tricky. Knowledge is power, but sometimes you have to do the best you can with what you’ve got regardless of the source. These disorders are multifaceted and dramatically impact my quality of life. I have lost jobs, friends, relationships, and my own will to live more than once. This morning, one of these internal storms was triggered by severe fatigue in the face of obligation, robbing me of my joy and ability to self regulate.
Lately, I’ve been exhausted, completely overstimulated, and stumbling to communicate despite good intentions. I have been anxious, depressed, and worried (yet ever ambitious) for the future. I didn’t sleep well last night, and PMS is in full swing. I was trying to get a fucking grip when my partner let one slip of the tongue slice through me. It wasn’t intentional, but my mind has the unadoring ability to misinterpret information.
I know the blocks were stacked against me this morning from a self-care perspective alone. I paused to rationalize it and empathize with myself, but I couldn’t stop crying. Suddenly, I found myself hoping for the big nap. I couldn’t help but seek the relief the sky provides, regardless of whatever lives there. Then came the river of lies:
“They’ll be better off without me…”,
“I am a burden to everyone…”,
“I can’t cope with the pain…”,
“I am only 29, I can’t go on through a lifetime of this…”,
“I am so tired…”
“I am not strong enough…”
“I am gonna throw up…”
-and so on.
I have done enough self work to catch myself in a suicidal state and be objective, but it doesn’t stop the impulse or the inner truth – and that is the piece I don’t think many people can understand. Suicidal ideation is not always circumstantial or ego-centric. Sometimes, it is not a reflection of an insufficient life. Sometimes, it is a pure and simple brain chemical mishap resulting in a state of mind you just can’t turn away from. Sometimes it is an irrational mood event much like mania or anxiety.
I often pray that I will always be strong enough to step away from the ledge, and endure any amount of suffering if it means my son has his mother. However, I would be lying if I said I never thought about going for one final swim. And that is what makes this an ugly truth, the fact that the love of our children is not an opponent for suicidal depression.
I know I am not the only one. So, this post is dedicated to the countless mothers and under-reported fathers out there who are confined to their beds and uncharacteristic harmful ways. This post is dedicated to those of you who would rather sleep than live because nothing is enough to spare you a most significant darkness. Even true love, our most precious human gem, can not always redirect an irrational mind.
The truth is, you can not see clearly in a suicidal state. All you know is you want the anguish to stop, and you’ll go to great lengths to get it. The truth is sometimes love is not enough. Suicide is inherently self indulgent – yes – as most mental illness related actions (or inactions) are. However, it does not reflect the common misconception of cowardice or selfishness. Similarly, suicide does not reflect the worth of the survivor. Yes, it takes considerable strength and bravery to stay when you want to leave, but suicidal ideation is simply a desperate miscalculation reinforced by misinformation.
Stay tuned for more ugly truths as I aim to inform and minimize mental health stigma. You can read more about my story as a survivor of suicide in A Suicide Survivor Story pt. I & II.
If you or someone you know is struggling, trained counselors are ready to listen and help.
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK
The Crisis Text Hotline: Text CONNECT to 741741
Additional Reading: How To Deal With Suicidal Thoughts—From 7 Women Who’ve Been There, Women’s Health Magazine
**If you’re a mental health survivor or mental health provider and want to tell your story – please email me at contact@deskraven.com!**
For more excellent insight and entertainment through a collaborative approach to all things mental health, including a guest post from yours truly, visit the Blunt Therapy Blog by Randy Withers, LPC! For additional perspectives on suicide prevention from master level mental health providers visit, 20 Professional Therapists Share Their Thoughts on Suicide!
In collaboration with Luis Posso, an Outreach Specialist from DrugRehab.com, Deskraven is now offering guides on depression and suicide prevention to its readers. For more information on understanding the perils of addiction visit, Substance Abuse and Suicide: A Guide to Understanding the Connection and Reducing Risk! In addition, for a comprehensive depression resource guide from their sister project at Columbus Recovery Center visit, Dealing with Depression!
Have you survived a suicidal depression, an attempt, or lost a loved one to suicide? Please share your stories in the comments. You’re safe here. You’re not alone.
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